头巾下的眼泪——伊斯兰世界的露水姻缘 -- 我们就是爱英文写作 -- 传送门
Misyar marriages have been discussed a lot in the Kingdom’s news lately, causing debate whether or not these marriages are acceptable/legal. The
Saudi Ministry of Social Affairs has recently announced that it will welcome misyar marriage applications for those who want to get married to female orphans under the custody of the ministry. On the other hand, this week a woman in Jeddah was found guilty of immoral and unlawful activities and acting as a pimp for arranging misyar marriages.露水姻缘（中东地区的一种临时婚姻制度）最近在英国受到了广泛的关注，引起了是否应该将其合法化的讨论。一方面，沙特社会事务部门最近宣布，将接受与该机构抚养长大的孤女结婚的申请；另一方面，本周内有一名妇女在吉达（Jeddah）因从事悖德非法活动而获刑，她扮演了皮条客的角色，专门撮合露水姻缘。Misyar marriage is usually practised as a second marriage, kept secret from the legal first wife, done behind closed doors and lied about, which many Saudi men are masters of.露水姻缘就是常规意义上的再婚，通常会瞒着原配秘密进行，并配以很多沙特男人擅长的外遇谎言。The term “Nikah Misyar” (translated sometimes as “travelers marriage” or “marriage of convenience”) is not found in the Qur’an, Sunnah or classical works of Islamic jurisprudence. Although polygamy is allowed under certain very strict conditions in Islam, (which you can read more about in this article “Sharing Husbands is Caring“) misyar is not a legal marriage as it denies women their full rights as a wife, such as providing her housing. Often the “husband” only visits the misyar wife (sometimes she still lives at her parents house) for sex, and this is what these marriages are based on, fulfilling the sexual desires of men under the guise of Islam, when in reality what is going on would be more accurately described as an extra-marital affair, infidelity, adultery, fornication or prostitution.尼卡多边（“Nikah Misyar”，通常被翻译成旅行者婚姻或便利婚姻）不管在《可兰经》、圣行（Sunnah，以穆罕默德言行为根据的传统教规）还是《伊斯兰法理学》等经典著作里都找不到这个词。即使在某些极其特殊的情况下，伊斯兰社会允许“一夫多妻”（注1），露水姻缘仍不是合法的婚姻。因为它否认女人作为妻子的全部权利，比如在这种婚姻关系中是不给女方提供住所的。通常，“丈夫”去“临时妻子”的住所（她们有些仍和父母住在一起）只是为了做爱，这也是这类婚姻的基础——在表面上允许一夫多妻的伊斯兰教清规下，满足男人的性欲。然而在现实中，这类婚姻被更加准确地形容为婚外情、违背信仰、通奸、婚前性行为、卖淫等。If you’re not familiar with the term misyar, often referred to as legalized prostitution, take a look at the following article which is a re-post from a blog written by a friend of mine, Kimberly Hadley-Mominah. Kimberly is a psychologist by profession residing in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia and she published this excellent article about misyar on her popular blog “BREAKING MY BOUNDARIES” . The original article can be found here.如果你不了解“露水姻缘”这个词（通常是指合法化的卖淫），可以看一下我从一个朋友金柏o哈德利o莫尼娜（Kimberly Hadley-Mominah）的博客上转载的文章。金柏莉是一位居住在沙特加达的心理学家，她在自己点击率很高的博客“打破我的边界”（ BREAKING MY BOUNDARIES）上发表了一篇很棒的关于露水姻缘（misyar）的文章。以下是文章的内容：“For those living outside of the Arab world, the concept of “misyar marriage” is a foreign concept, although the equivalency of misyar in the Western world is that of having an extra-marital affair. A relationship that is often based on meeting the sexual needs and conquest of men, and perhaps women, with no strings attached as far as responsibility on the part of the male.Misyar marriage is a secret marriage contract entered in by a woman and a man, in which they engage in sexual relations, in which the man has no responsibility to provide financial support, no responsibility of any children that may be born out of the sexual unions, as well as there is typically a “time span” in which this secret marriage is valid for. The women that engage in these marriages, may temporarily benefit in terms of materialistic gifts, vacations, love nests that are temporarily erected to carry out the acts of sexual relations, as well as meeting their own sexual desires. Perhaps these women also may have secret aspirations that the misyar marriage will transform into a traditional marriage through time.对于阿拉伯世界之外的人，露水姻缘是个陌生的概念，在西方世界仅仅相当于婚外情。在阿拉伯，这是一种基于满足性欲望，为征服男性或女性而建立起来的关系。在这种关系中，男性不需要承担任何责任。露水姻缘是一种秘密的婚姻合同，男女双方在这种婚姻中保持着性爱关系，男方没有责任为女方提供经济援助，也不会对意外出生的孩子负责。通常这种婚姻会有一个“时间期限”，超过这个期限，该婚姻就是无效的了。该婚姻关系中的女性或许会暂时得到礼物，旅行，维持性关系的临时爱巢和自身性欲的满足。也许她们还暗自期待着自己的身份随着时间而转正。These types of marriages are not registered with any type of government agency or authority, and they occur in secret, often away from the knowledge of legitimate wives, family members, or recognizing the temporary union to the public. The Islamic religion strictly forbids sexual relations outside the boundaries of marriage, hence the human creation of the misyar marriage, which allows people to fornicate, perhaps only once or numerous times, while avoiding the worldly consequences or responsibilities of engaging in sexual relations.这种类型的婚姻关系没有受到任何政府机构或权威组织的承认，通常是见不得光的。男性不会让法律上的妻子和家庭成员察觉到这种关系的存在。伊斯兰教是严厉禁止婚外性关系的，因此就有了露水姻缘的出现。它不仅满足了人们想要发生婚外情的欲望，哪怕只有一次或是几次；而且避免了与人私通可能要面临的后果，不用承担任何责任。In these situations, it would be easy to buy into the worldview of the evil temptress whore, that uses her sexual energy to lure away the family man into lurid sexual activities, but to be completely honest, the only individuals that benefit at the end of day from these situations, are those that advocate the social acceptance of misyar, and the men that engage in the secret “affairs”. I am going to call it an affair, and not refer to it as a marriage for the rest of this piece, because calling it a “marriage” degrades the sanctity of what marriage stands for in terms of respect, honesty, and authentic pure intentions.在这种情形下，已婚男人很容易就被品行不好的妓女所迷惑，与她们进行婚外性行为。但说实话，这种行为的最终受益者还是那些倡导接受露水婚姻的人和婚外情中的男性们，还有就是这种风流韵事中的男性。在这篇文章的剩余部分，我将称其为“婚外情”而不是“婚姻”，因为“婚姻”是一个神圣的名词，它代表着尊重、诚实、纯粹的目的，将“露水姻缘”称为“婚姻”简直是玷污了这个词。In addition, in terms of the Islamic principles of honesty, truth, and compassion, this practice is devoid of any of the aforementioned virtues. Misyar is built on the intentions of secrecy, deception, and in all reality, a lie. A lie not only to the legitimate wives and children of the men that choose to engage in this practice, but also to the women that agree to enter into the practice, as well as the risk of children being born out of these unions that have no legal and social rights of having two parents with the benefits of being recognized as a child of both parents. The women that are affected by this practice either by choice or by being legally married to a male that practices this way of life are victims.此外，就伊斯兰教义下的诚实、真实、怜悯心的含义而言，这种关系也完全不符合上述美德。露水姻缘是建立在秘密和欺骗状态下的，可以说它就是一个谎言。这个谎言不止伤害了原配和孩子，也伤害了小三，更加伤害了私生子。私生子在法律层面和社会层面都不被承认，不享有任何权利。无论女人自己选择做小三，还是被已婚男人欺骗，最终都只能是受害者。The children born out of these sexualized temporary unions, as well as the children of legitimate marriages in which their father engages in these practice are victims, forever being scarred by the father’s lust, selfishness, and disrespect of the female gender.私生子和那些婚生但父亲却有婚外情的孩子，都是受害者，永远要被他们父亲的淫欲，自私以及对女性的不尊重所伤害。Most men and women enter into a legal traditional marriage, with the expectation that love, trust, honesty, respect, and honor will be the pervading values of the union. It is often viewed as a lifetime commitment in which the two people merge their lives in their efforts to form a family, grow together through the different developmental life stages, as well as often have offspring to continue their own legacies into the future. While indeed Islam does have practices that provide routes for men engaging in polygamy, in which they are permitted to have up to four wives, in reality even Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) did not advocate the practice of polygamy by the conditions in which were set by the act of taking more than one wife.大多数男性和女性在开始一段传统的合法婚姻时，都期待着爱，信任，诚实，尊重和永远与这个家庭同在的自豪。两个人共结秦晋之好，在人生路上相互扶持，通常还会传宗接代，这在人们看来都是毕生的承诺。虽然伊斯兰世界确实存在着为男性提供一夫多妻婚姻的实例，一个男性最多可以拥有四个妻子，但实际上先知穆罕默德并不提倡一夫多妻的做法，因为这一举动需要满足很多条件.One of the conditions is the man must treat the wives equally in terms of his affection, and material provisions and gifts. Perhaps a man can give equality by the material possessions and gifts that are given, but the equality in terms of affection is almost humanly impossible. In other words, it is permitted, but do not do it because even Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) could not equate his affections equally among wives. In addition, the first wife must agree to the husband taking another wife and if she does not, she is permitted to divorce the husband.条件之一是男性必须对所有妻子平等相待。也许男性可以在物质财产方面做到平等对待，但情感上的平等几乎不可能。换言之，伊斯兰教允许一夫多妻的存在，但鉴于连先知穆罕默德都无法做到在情感方面对妻子们一视同仁，实际上人们并不能采用一夫多妻的做法。此外，原配必须同意添妾，如果她不同意，她就有权提出离婚。This case scenario illustrates traditional marriages, but the practice of misyar does not even inform the wife of her husband engaging with sexual relations with another woman. The practice of misyar is not only a form of deception and lies to the legally sanctified traditional wife of a man practicing this form of deception, but it also puts the wife’s very health and life in jeopardy. Many countries require testing prior to traditional legal marriage of both the man and woman undergoing testing for the presence of sexually transmitted diseases (STD). Two of these STD diseases such as AIDS or hepatitis most often are fatal to those who are infected in the long-term. In addition, other sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia can cause infertility, or genital warts, which increases a woman’s risk of developing cervical cancers, and least of all the embarrassment and humiliation of being diagnosed with the social stigma of an STD.以上情形只是传统婚姻，事实上，露水姻缘甚至不需要丈夫知会原配自己与其他女性有染。现实中的露水姻缘不仅使得丈夫就出轨一事撒谎，骗取原配对家庭的牺牲和贡献，更将原配的生命健康置于危险之中。许多国家都对性病实行婚前检查。其中两种疾病，即艾滋病和肝炎，会由于长期感染不愈而死亡。此外，其他性传播疾病如衣原体感染可引发不育，而尖锐湿疣则可增加女性患宫颈癌的风险。至少，女性还得承受患有性传播疾病所带来的尴尬与屈辱。The practice of misyar, because it does not require the marriage to be legally registered and is engaged in deceptively, does not entail the male or female to engage in testing of STDs. This is a lethal way tospread the transmission of STD’s not only between the two people that are engaging in the deceitful practice of misyar, but also to the innocent unsuspecting wife who believes she is in a mutually sexually exclusive relationship with her husband. In all honesty, neither the men, nor the women who engage in the misyar marriage are virgins who have abstained from sexual relations in the past, and are most likely to have the highest risk of carrying an STD. In fact, some of the women who engage in misyar relationships have a history of engaging in “secret sexual liaisons”, or misyar, one after another, to finance their style of living. For those of you from Western cultures who may be reading this article, we do have slang terms for these women such as “sluts”, “prostitutes”, or “whores” in all honesty.由于露水姻缘不需经过法律程序，整个过程完全秘密进行，故男女双方可以不进行性传播疾病的检查。这样，性传播疾病不仅在苟合的男女间传播，更会传染给无辜地以为自己是丈夫唯一性伴侣的原配，这是一种致命的传播方式。老实说，露水姻缘中的男女双方此前都不会坚守童贞，因而患上性传播疾病的风险也愈发大。实际上，一些处在露水姻缘中的女性曾有“秘密的鱼水之欢”的历史，或是通过接连不断的露水姻缘来获取经济收入。如果你是西方文化背景的读者，我们的确可以用“荡妇”“娼妓”“妓女”之类的词汇来称呼这种人。The traditional legal wife is also an innocent victim in terms of dealing with the emotional and financial drains of her husband engaging in this type of deceitful relationship. As the husband sneaks off to engage in his sexual liaisons with the “secret woman”, this robs not only the wife, but also any children of time and support in the family household that should be available from the husband/father. In addition, the husband is spending the financial resources and future inheritance of the children as he engages in arranging vacations, apartments, as well as gifts to be given to the “other woman”.在为丈夫的滥情和挥霍洗地这方面，原配依然是受害者。当一个丈夫溜去和“神秘女子”共度良宵时，不仅从妻子身边夺走了应有的爱情，更从孩子身边夺走了应有的父爱。另外，当丈夫在安排假期，预定公寓，为“另一个女人”准备小礼物时，他也在消耗着家庭里现有的和未来要留给孩子们的物质财富.Perhaps the most painful of all of this experience, is to the wife that finds out about the “secret relationship” and the emotional of feeling betrayed, belittled, and the feelings of inadequacy of worthlessness that accompanies many individuals that have experienced their partner engaging in an affair. Infidelity and the long-lasting scars can cut to the very soul and perception of one’s self as they question why their spouse has engaged in this type of relationship, that is if the wife ever discovers her husband’s extra sexual activities. It not only damages a woman’s perceptions of herself, but can also affect her ability in other roles in life, such as a mother, friend, or employee as she tries to work through the negative emotions that are often associated with this type of betrayal.也许所有这些经历中，让妻子最痛苦的是那种被丈夫背叛和轻视的感觉，以及发现自己的丈夫卷入一场风流韵事的无力感。伴侣的背信弃义和经久不愈的创伤可以直捣灵魂深处，使她们扪心自问：“早知郎君今日红杏出墙，当初又为何步入婚姻殿堂？”这不仅会使妻子怀疑自己，伴随而至的被背叛的负面情感会始终萦绕在心头，还会进一步地影响她教子，交友，乃至工作的能力。Although the women who engage in misyar are often portrayed as evil women with the intentions of gaining financial means, or the plots to secure a future legitimate legal marriage, they are also victimized through this practice. These women are typically never acknowledged as a legal wife, nor do they reap the benefits of inheritance from their sexual liaisons, or the security of a legal marriage. They are often used as a temporary escape from the reality of family life, in which men are able to fulfill their sexual desires outside the traditional boundaries of a public marriage with no future obligations to the woman. In addition, the social stigma involved to the woman that engages in such a type of relationship is often that she is “damaged goods”, either because of divorce, social status, nationality, social economic status (SES) that has been relegated to the role of servicing the sexual needs of a male without the benefits of a legitimate marriage.在露水姻缘中，妇女通常被认为是带有金钱利益企图的阴谋，或寄希望于未来合法婚姻的邪恶女子。其实，她们在这样的婚外情中也会受到伤害。这些妇女通常不被认作是合法妻子，也不能通过性关系得到那些本应得到的利益和合法婚姻的安全感，她们只是男人逃离现实家庭生活的暂时消遣而已。男人们超越了公开婚姻的传统界限，满足了自己的性欲，但对女人的未来不需负任何责任。身处这种关系中的女人还会被打上“受损商品”的社会烙印，离婚、低社会地位、欠发达国家国籍、贫穷中的任何一个理由都会促使她们走向毫无婚姻保障单纯满足男人性欲的不归路。While some advocate the misyar also is a benefit to these women, examining this practice in regards to these women, they are marginalized, used for sexual pleasure, and are not viewed as worthy enough to legitimize their presence publicly. Their motivation to engage in this type of arrangements may be done in part for momentary financial gains, but I am sure that some of them have the secret hopes that the relationship will develop into a long-term lasting eventual legal marriage, which typically does not happen. The hope of the man acknowledging this “secret women” in the future is bleak, because he has engaged in this type of relationship out of his own sexual lust, but most often will not risk the social condemnation, his legal wife, children, or reputation to have a long-term committed relationship. While he may eagerly profess his love to this woman, you have to question whether he truly has authentic love for anyone to engage in this type of relationship to manipulate and risk his legal wife and children, as well as the “secret woman”. He engaged in a misyar relationship through using deceit and lies, and rest assured this is a character of the individual that carries through in other relationships, including the misyar relationship.尽管一些倡导露水姻缘的人认为，这种制度其实对妇女们也是有好处的。但是通过调查可以看出，这些妇女被边缘化了。人们认为她们只是性取乐的工具，并不值得将她们的存在合法化。在她们当中，确实有一部分人带着利益的动机，但我相信，还是有一些人心存希望，希望将这种关系发展成长期永恒的合法婚姻关系，虽然这种事情很少发生。让男人承认自己的“秘密女人”几乎是不可能的事情，毕竟他们维持这份关系仅仅是为了满足性欲。大部分男人不会丢弃自己的妻子，更不会冒着社会谴责和损毁名誉的风险去维持一段长期稳固的关系。尽管他会急切地向女人表明爱意，但你必须质疑一下，这种欺骗自己妻子，背弃自己孩子的男人，是不是对露水姻缘中的你怀有“真爱”。男人利用欺骗和谎言开始露水姻缘，而保持露水姻缘的是各种关系中斡旋的能力。The concept of misyar is built on the concept of “secrecy”. Often when we speak of secrecy, someone is being deceived, lied to, and betrayed. While the women, who engage in these types of relationships with men are often portrayed as the temptress set out to destroy the sanctity of marriage, in reality, the real transgressors in these types of arrangements are the men that are not only betraying their legitimate legal wife and children through their egotistical actions to satisfy their sexual urges, they also are manipulating and using the very women that they engage within these secret sexual liaisons behind the closed doors of deception and secrecy.露水姻缘的概念建立在“保密”基础之上。当我们说起保密时，通常意味着有一些人会受到隐瞒、欺骗或背叛。虽然露水姻缘中的妇女会被描绘成破坏婚姻纯洁、勾引男人的“妖女”，但事实上真正的背叛者是那些男人们。他们一边为了满足自己性欲去欺骗合法妻子和孩子，另一边在谎言和秘密背后操纵利用其他女人以获得性满足。The difference is one woman has chosen to engage in the practice, while the legitimate wife is often kept in the dark of the fraudulent behavior of her husband. The women in these types of arrangements may be marginalized by some type of socially constructed grouping in which they have been categorized either by life experiences, or by birth, but they too are humans with aspirations, dreams, and needs. Those that advocate and practice this type of secretive behaviors are the lone transgressors and oppressors of women and children, as well as illustrating the treachery and sham of dishonesty that humans can choose to engage in by their animalistic sexual urges that rob them of values, virtues, and honesty in relationships.区别在于一个女人选择参与到这类关系中，而另一个却由于丈夫的欺骗行为被蒙在鼓里。参与其中的妇女被一些以生活阅历或家庭出身作为“组团”标准的社会群体边缘化。但这些妇女也一样是有理想、有梦想、有需求的人。那些倡导或实践这种秘密行为的男人才是欺骗妻子和孩子的孤独背叛者。同时，他们证明了人类可以为了自己动物般的原始肉欲抛弃婚姻中的诚实和美德，变成满嘴谎言、不断欺骗的禽兽。The practice of misyar is not a practice of Islam, because Islam advocates truth, honesty, humbleness, and respect. The practice of misyar is a creation of patriarchal men, who happen to be associated with the faith of Islam, but have bent the rules to satisfy their own selfish carnal needs, and have disregarded the female gender as human beings worthy of respect. For those who have limited understanding of the Islamic faith, this is not Islam, but is a construction of a practice by humans that seeks to circumnavigate the rules of Islam to quench sexual desires, while avoiding responsibility, honesty, and respect for the female gender.伊斯兰教倡导真理、诚实、谦逊和尊重，露水姻缘并未践行伊斯兰教教义，它是父权男性社会的产物。露水姻缘中的男人们只是碰巧信仰伊斯兰教的男权主义男性，为了满足自私的肉体需要扭曲了伊斯兰规矩，他们并不懂得女性作为人类也是值得尊重的。对于那些并不完全理解伊斯兰信仰的人来说，这不是真正的伊斯兰教，而是人类绕过伊斯兰教义平息欲火，逃避责任，抛弃诚实，不尊重女性的一种做法。I sincerely hope that women would stand up for their God given rights and not accept this type of “marriage”, not for themselves, their daughters or sisters. No woman deserves to be treated in such a way.我真诚地希望女性能够站起来保卫上帝给予她们的权利，不要接受这种所谓的“露水姻缘”。不仅自己不接受，更要倡导她们的女儿和姐妹们也不要接受。没有任何女性应该卷入这样的“情缘”中。