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Today's paper
Michael Wilson
Sunday 9 September 2012
Living by numbers: anorexia sufferers are obsessed with losing another inch or another kilo. Illustration: István Banyai
When my two older brothers and I were kids my mum would make two dinners every day:
sad crudités and dry crackers for her. If I had taken a&picture of her kitchen every six months since I was born, what I'd have now would be a comprehensive visual history of diet industry fads: the F-P translucent milk and Cambridge S Slimming World fold low GI and sachets of dry misery branded with the withering grin of "Dr" Gillian McKeith. My mum's social life was yoga, keep f her conversation with other mothers was plumpness, jealousy and who had let themselves go. Fat, to her, meant failure. The correlation between those two ideas lingered silently in the air every time she mentioned her own weight or someone else's, and audibly, once when, at the age of nine, I found her in the bathroom sobbing and listened to her explain that she was upset because she felt fat and, therefore,
useless and weak.I asked her, five years ago, how long she had been on a diet. "Forty-five years," she said, "as long as I've been feeding myself." I asked her why. "Because I don't feel like I've ever done it right. I wake up every morning determined and go to bed every night feeling like I've failed." That information, obviously, makes me angry. Angry for her, but also for myself: the reason I was asking her about diets was that, as a 25-year-old 6ft man, I weighed just a touch over 7st. I was asking her as part of getting a&handle on the way I felt about food, and on a relapse into an eating disorder that had seen me put my life and long-term health at risk.My dad wasn't like her. For him, fat was fun. When my brothers and I visited him at weekends he would feed us delicious, convenient "dad-food"; junk served up with the intention of making him the fun, most popular, parent: pancakes for breakfast, burgers and chips, buckets of KFC, cupboards full of all of the chocolate and chemicals three growing boys could ever want. His feeding strategy belied his deeply his fun-dad veneer was often quick to crack and give way to something stricter and more angry. A solitary abandoned chip would send him into an uncontrollable rage. "I nearly lost my kids!" he shouted at me so loudly that my ears rang one lunch time when I said I couldn't finish my plate. He ignored all three of us for the rest of that weekend until the time came to drive us back to our mum, which he did like a&rally driver in terrifying silence. We learned to always look like we were having a good time with him, because his tempers otherwise were too frightening and lasted way too long.When I was 11, my mum was hospitalised with severe depression. It wasn't the first time it had happened, but it was the first time I was old enough to think that I understood the phone calls my dad made at night. During them, he talked about his lack of faith in her ability to get it together and his plans to try to get
full-time custody of us boys.To us, he talked about how he believed having good mental h how he thought my mum, in having moments where she couldn't cope, was being lazy. My oldest brother, by this point, was acting out a lot and smoking weed most days. The other one was a daddy's boy. When we were with my mum, they would be high or furious at her on my dad's behalf respectively. When we were at my dad's, they would be good as gold out of fear and respect, but all three of us were frightened of the prospect of living with him full-time.I came to realise while she was in hospital that our mum needed someone to be strong to help her get healthy if we were to avoid that happening. To my 11-year-old mind it seemed as if I was the only person who could or would do it, even though the only thing I knew about strength was that, apparently, that she felt strong when she did well on her diets, and that, according to my dad, strong people didn't get sick.The first thing my mum told me when she got out of hospital was that I looked chubby. I was heavy on puppy fat and a solid month of dad-food, so she bought me a new bike and I&rode every day, as fast as I could for as long as I could. She filled my school bag with dried fruits and cereal bars and zero-fat yogurts, until I told her that I could eat more healthily if I bought food at school, so she sent me each day with money for lunch. I'd bring it home each evening and stash it under my bed.Eating my dad's food when we were at his house was not something I could escape, so I came to the solution of only eating that. At our mum's I would get up at six and say I'd had breakfast on my own. At school, I would maybe eat a chocolate bar or nothing at all. In the evening, I would say I&was eating at friends' houses, or that I had made my own dinner while she was still at work.More often than not, she believed me. She talked with my aunts about how I'd had a&growth spurt and how I was going to be just like my granddad, long and thin, and long and thin is how I grew into my teens, relishing the way that I looked entirely unlike other boys my age. My face, then, was angular and pretty and my shoulders and chest were slow to expand.By the time I was 14 many of my friends were older girls who were into the then-burgeoning goth scene, so I would sneak out to clubs and bars with them and be let in thanks to the assumption that I was one of their number, rather than a young, skinny boy. Once inside, I'd be swamped in attention from girls of a certain kind admiring my androgynous body, and men of a certain kind admiring it in a different way.At home and at school I felt ove in the clubs I felt adored, maybe for the first time. Skinny, I felt strong and alive, as if my body was what people saw instead of the scared, hungry little kid inside it. My body became my personality. As long as it was bony, it could handle everything that I couldn't and get me all the attention that I needed.When the time came to go to university, I&had become more aware of how destructive my thought patterns were. Twice I enrolled in therapy with the intention of learning to cope with my fixation. Once there, though, I never spoke about eating. I learned to cope, instead, by channelling my need to feel in control into working and achieving, feeling special by doing better than my friends.I graduated&and took an advertising job straight out of university. I felt grateful, but I&also felt empowered to the point of smugness, because my dogged pursuit of achievement had paid off. The culture of my new company was half boozy lunches, boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, table football and banter, and half after-work pilates and high-protein diets. My supervisor, Sarah, would do things like offer round wafers and say, "Eat these, they're good because they fill you up by being mostly air," but I would just laugh like everyone else. For the first time since I was a&little kid I ate without guilt, buoyed on by the feeling I had of being ahead of my game. I felt, for a&year or two, free. Then Sarah asked me if I&was getting fat."Are those little man boobs blossoming under your top?" she said. "You used to be such a skinny little thing." They weren't, really, I&was just not as concave as I had been when we first met. Maybe a man with no issues would have taken it as harmless fun, and I'm fairly sure she assumed that's what I was. If it was the case that everyone who had a bad relationship with food was visibly neurotic, antisocial, unbearable, it would be pretty easy to spot and
identify the problem.One of the reasons it is so hard to address male- is that, usually, it's impossible to know who is facing or has faced mental-health challenges because, for the most part, they seem just like you. Sarah had no way of seeing that the idea of anything on my body being in any way "blossoming" or soft was not one I could bear.I got home that night and asked my partner whether he thought I had become fat. Most people, at some point in their life, will be asked that question or a version of it by someone they love. Unless the person asking it is about to drop dead from obesity, the best thing to do, always, is err on the side of nice and say: "No, you're perfect, and you don't need to change anything." That's not what my partner said. He said, "Well. If you're worried about that, maybe you could exercise more."The following Monday, I started the Master Cleanse, a crash diet trademarked by Peter Glickman, a man with no medical qualification, which involves consuming nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup and some powder from his website, for a minimum of 10 days. Glickman boasts that he frequently does it "for up to 28 days". There is no scientific evidence to suggest that living off lemon juice for a short month does you any good. There's a&lot to suggest it's a really bad idea, but I did 14 days anyway, passing it off as a test of endurance. A tough way to kickstart my new fitness regime.And at the start, I&believed myself. My plan was to drop a little bit of fat, just so the muscle underneath showed through. Skinny wasn't a word I used this time. It was a sensation I recognised, though, and it came around soon enough, bringing with it the tricksy, addictive confidence it had given me as a teenager. I&steadily ate less and worked out more and told everyone, including myself, that I didn't know my body was shrinking so much.I started a new job a few months after that, in an agency that promised me more creative input and control. Once I got there, though, it turned out that that wasn't the case. The agency was run on a maxim of disempowerment, with every member of staff made to feel like a glorified intern, pitted against their colleagues. Months ran past with no personal achievements attached to them.I started to work out more than ever. I found excuses to go to the gym in the middle of the day, as well as in the morning and evening. I&told people I was running so much because I&was training for a marathon. Every time I&went to the bathroom I would lift my shirt to look at my ribs. I'd take the lift alone, so I could look in its mirror to see how concave my stomach was. I'd jump on every set of scales I saw: in friends' bathrooms, in hotels, and in Boots, on the machine that gives you a print-out of your height, weight in kilograms and BMI.To begin with I was happy so long as that machine's prognosis was "below average weight", but I became addicted to seeing the numbers get lower. Each time they did, I&shifted the parameters I set for myself. "I'll be happy when I'm 60kg, 55, 50," and so on. "If I have the discipline to drop another 2kg," I'd tell myself, "I'll have the discipline to make anything work." It was as sensible as saying, "If I can hold my breath underwater until I pass out, I'll have the discipline to never drown."I knew I was being irresponsible, but, thanks to the giddy effect starving can have on brain chemistry, I didn't think I was sick. Truth is, being skinny again felt awesome. Newly single, I relished the chance to show off my body as much as possible. Being very thin makes your dick look enormous, which I felt quite good about. It also, eventually, makes it stop working. When that happened, I just told myself I was going through a phase where I didn't much want to have sex.For months, I was dizzy every time I stood up. What was happening was that my heart was starting to pump blood less efficiently, but I told my doctor I thought I might have diabetes. She took a blood test and weighed me and said it must be stress, and that I was "slightly underweight". The fact that it was "slight" and not severe was terrible to me. I let my weight slide toward the 7st mark, then I did everything I could to hammer it down past it.In my job, I rarely had to wear a suit, so I&could layer shirts and sweaters up. For a trip to Sweden for a conference, though, I packed trousers that I hadn't worn for a while. When I put them on, I found that I had shrunk so far that they looked like a paper bag belted to my waist. I had to rush out and buy new ones, which were hard to find so small, but I&was thrilled with myself.On the penultimate night of that trip an older woman I worked with called me for a&meeting in her room. "You tell everyone you're training all the time, and I think they believe you," she said. "I don't. Do you want to tell me about it?" She listened for most of the night, first while I lied to her and then, after some kind persistence on her part, when I told the truth.I'd never spoken about it before and once I&started I talked for hours. She told me a whole bunch of things she admired about me, reasons she thought I was worthy of being loved, and over the following weeks did everything she could to convince me she meant them, and wasn't just saying them for kindness' sake. Most of all, though, she told me I was a grown man now, and that the only person I had to be strong for was myself. She encouraged me to talk to friends and family back home, and did all she could to convince me they wouldn't abandon me if they saw I wasn't flawless and strong. She called me out on my crippling fear of being weak and unwell, then she promised me that she would never mention our conversation again.For me, that fear was based on the ghost of an idea that had taken hold of me 15 years before. For a lot of men with eating disorders it is a similar story: they are prevented from getting help by a fear of being weak, and of being perceived as freakish for suffering from what is largely considered to be a teenage girl's disease. Despite the fact the Royal College of Psychiatrists estimates that one in every 1,000 men suffers from an eating disorder, I have not met a single male sufferer (and over the past few years of recovering and trying to help others do so I've met many, of various ages, backgrounds and sexual orientations) who hasn't felt as if he was the only man in his position.To me, the key to beginning to feel OK was learning how to face up to that shame and to find genuine strength in accepting myself, learning to love myself and to let other people do the same. Learning, through difficult, honest conversations with therapists, family and friends that the world wasn't going to collapse if I wasn't its most disciplined citizen. That&success is living a life where you&can&be&happy with yourself, not just tougher than everyone else and that the strongest thing you can do, sometimes, is let other people give you a&hand.The writer's name has been changed
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About this article
The secret world of male anorexia
This article appeared
on p22 of the
section of
It was published on
at 00.04 BST on Sunday 9 September 2012.
It was last modified at 08.30 BST on Wednesday 21 May 2014.
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订阅本节目的沪友也订阅了
沪江英语论坛：
The Secret World Of Arrietty (特别节目)
发布于： 0:09:44
各位同学大家好，欢迎来到本期的端午特别节目
（悄悄地说一句，端午节当天6月23日0：00-24：00参加节目，即可获得450沪元的额外奖励，于6月24日零点准时发放）
借东西的小人阿莉埃蒂，相信大家都不陌生吧
是日本吉卜力工作室2010年上映的动画电影，剧情改编自英国小说家玛丽·诺顿的奇幻小说《地板下的小矮人》。本片声优演员于日公布 ，并已在同年7月17日在日本上映，为米林宏昌执导的首部电影。宫崎骏负责本片企划及剧本编写。
那么就先来看一段颇具美国大片风格的预告片Trailer吧～
很有大片范儿有木有啊～
接下来的才是正餐。。
剧情简介：
一位名叫翔的少年因心脏病情的关系，被带来到郊外小屋里疗养，来到小屋时他偶然在草堆中看见一个约10厘米左右的女性小矮人。
那群居住在屋子下的小矮人们；为了求生存都得在趁人类不注意的情况下、偷偷取走一些人类的日常用品，而他们皆称呼这种行为即“借物”。
之后那名被翔发现的女性小矮人“阿莉埃蒂”得知自己被偷看时相当惊恐，但随后得知翔是没有恶意的人类后，便慢慢试着跟翔接触，并与他展开了一段小小的友情。
So, sit back, relax and enjoy The Secret World Of Arrietty!
(优酷的超清视频，上传源文件超过4GB，上传了一天将近20小时呢，作为假期福利不赖吧～)
Plot:
Arrietty, a tiny but tenacious 14-year-old, lives with her parents in the recesses of a suburban garden home, unbeknownst to the homeowner and her housekeeper. Like all little people, Arrietty remains hidden from view, except during occasional covert ventures beyond the floorboards to &borrow& scrap supplies like sugar cubes from her human hosts. But when 12-year-old Shou, a human boy who comes to stay in the home, discovers his mysterious housemate one evening, a secret friendship blossoms. If discovered, their relationship could drive Arrietty's family from the home and straight into danger.
1、Did Arrietty stay with Shawn in the end?Nope, a little pity.Yep, of course.
回复可见日版借物小人+日版主题曲
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毫不犹豫得戳它订阅吧～！
可以查看更多内容，还可以进行评论。
(Déjà vu)
Sit back, relax and enjoy The Secret World Of Arrietty!
o(≧v≦)o~~魂淡，我的沙发啊
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
But I can not understand something about this moive.
(Déjà vu)
However it's a beautiful story, isn't it?
(_(?ω?? ∠)_啪啪啪。)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：o(*￣▽￣*)ゞ
(高贵冷艳的耳朵)
共答对了0道题，正确率为:0% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：么看完~~~( &﹏&。)～呜呜呜……
~\(≧▽≦)/~看完吧，很清新的，英文版很赞的说
( 我啊，是快乐的。)
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共答对了0道题，正确率为:0% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：Nope~
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共答对了0道题，正确率为:0% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：。。悲剧
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(河奈Grecy努力学习中)
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这是电影吗？名字是什么？
(Déjà vu)
《借东西的小人阿莉埃蒂》&The Secret World Of Arrietty&
(从天堂到地狱，我路过人间！)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：　　　　　／　+、　 　　　　∩　　 *。. (´?ω?｀) 　　　+? と　　　?　　　*?　 　と、ノ　　　??　 　　~∪　　　*?　　 ＿＿／＼＿＿＿＿＿.
(、你是猴子请来的逗比么)
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(ね、お話が終わり？)
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(三分邪性，七分不义~~)
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体会：看过哒~
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回复一下，看看日版的
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：挺好看的
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呜呜~ 答错了
么么，没关系，后面还会有更多福利哟
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当初是陪我家小宝贝一起看的，还一直不停的给他当翻译，呵呵，很喜欢阿莉埃蒂，也喜欢中间出来的原始小人（那个吃生肉的小矮人），可惜最后他们一家还是搬离了...
(Déjà vu)
leonnon968说：啊！！！这个是怎么回事
(Déjà vu)
qq说：啊！！！这个是怎么回事图集～
(同读故事一起成长群二一三六六四五七另)
leonnon968说：图集～为什么片片中没有这图呀，还有续集？
(Déjà vu)
candy旋风说：为什么片片中没有这图呀，还有续集？图选而已，不一定跟剧情有关呢。。
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：阿里埃蒂!!!!~~~端午节活动太丰富啦jc
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：jack ,辛苦啦~~~这种动画片的风格我最喜欢了~~以后也多多推荐好看的动漫吧，大boss~~~
好好看哦~~~好久没有看动画片了，开心
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(silver0215)
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(↖(^ω^)↗)
看完预告片，就很稀饭啦~~~(=^_^=)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
(我只是想离你近一些)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：\(^o^)/
(低调的小丸子~)
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(good good study )
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超有大片范的说~~
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楼主お疲れ様でした
(Déjà vu)
My pleasure~
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：很喜欢宫崎骏的动画，可以说每一部都看了，没想到居然能看到英文版的
(Déjà vu)
本节目打算之后的假期会陆续放出其他的英配宫崎骏电影。。
leonnon968说：本节目打算之后的假期会陆续放出其他的英配宫崎骏电影。。真的吗真的吗？太好了，爱你~亲~~~
(↖(^ω^)↗)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
(↖(^ω^)↗)
灰常不错的假期福利~~(=^_^=)上传了20多小时，辛苦你的电脑了，O(∩_∩)O哈哈~
(Déjà vu)
电脑向来压力很大。。
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：很好的节目，努力听懂，会有提高的。
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(Déjà vu)
可以去我的优酷空间下载，或者也可以去原网站下载（翻墙），或者单独传输
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：呜呜呜呜为什么不在一起啊，好感动好感动！！shawn好帅哈哈。
声音更好听啊。。
qq说：声音更好听啊。。嗯嗯，很喜欢里面的歌的~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦
(Déjà vu)
Borrowers aren't meant to be seen. They shall leave in such cases.
(嘿！~~这里是杏仁哦！~~)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
(“时间是怎么飞走的？”)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：恭喜哟，在该期节目中，共答对了1 道题，正确率为 100%，获得 100 沪元~
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：Arrietty, my heart is strong now because you're in it.~~呜呜呜，好感动啊~~那个坏保姆，一看见她我就想拍死她
(*￣▽￣*)~~Jack，辛苦你啦，太精彩啦~~
(Déjà vu)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
(同读故事一起成长群二一三六六四五七另)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：实在太好看了，精彩，谢谢
(同读故事一起成长群二一三六六四五七另)
-----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------
(Déjà vu)
源文件吗？体积很大的说，有兴趣可以来我优酷空间来看，各种北美版动漫喜欢的话都可以来看。。
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：好喜欢呀！希望能看到更多可爱的漂亮的英语动画片啊！
(俺は影子です~~)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
(当年纪渐长更加练达时，我会找到你的。)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：很好看啊
主持人！！！太好哩！！
共答对了0道题，正确率为:0% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：大爱英文版~
(这是我的小熊,不要和我抢哟ZzZz.)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
(木鱼非非)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
(木鱼非非)
my heart is strong now because you're in it.
and you always will be forever
(浮生古典文学社，码字社)
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
共答对了1道题，正确率为:100% -----------------------仅楼主可见内容-----------------------体会：
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