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Secrets of a Successful Marriage script
Homer gets a job to teaching an adult education course about how to build a successful marriage, but can't help spilling personal secrets.
Episode , Season 5
First aired May 19, 1994
Written by Greg Daniels
Directed by Carlos Baeza
Homer is playing poker at Lenny's house. Also present are Moe, Barney
All right, I raise a quarter.
I'm out. Whoa!
He passes out and falls off his chair.
Homer, do you want any cards? Homer!
Homer is choking on something. Moe slaps him on the back, and he coughs
up a chip.
Whoo! Don't try to eat these so-called 'chips'.
You want another card or not?
Huh? Oh, okay, I'll take three.
Moe hands Homer three cards in succession.
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Uh, I mean, woohoo.
I'm in. Let's see your cards.
Oh, I was bluffing.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Come to papa! I... wait a minute. Homer, you have a straight
flush! Oh, you do this every time, you... oh god, I'm choking on my own
rage here!
Hey, don't yell at Homer, just because he's a little slow.
Homer gasps. The shot then pans up to his brain.
HOMER'S BRAIN
Something was said, not good. What was it? Don't yell at Homer? Nah, that's
okay. What was it... slow! They called you slow!
(standing up and pointing) How dare you call me that! I--
We see that it is now night-time. Lenny is in his dressing gown, raiding
the fridge.
Hey Homer, are you still here? Boy, you are slow.
Homer gasps. His brain speaks again.
HOMER'S BRAIN
Something said, not good.
Get the Hell out of here!
He kicks Homer out.
The next morning. The Simpsons family are eating breakfast.
So anyhoo, last night we were playing poker, right. As usual I'm winning
and not realizing it. And Lenny says that I'm... get this... he he...
a little slow! (he roars with laughter, then stops) How come you're
not laughing? Do you think I'm slow?
(quietly) Buh.
(quietly) Nah.
We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go
to museums, or read books or anything.
You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge, they won't let
me. One quality show after another, each one fresher ad more brilliant
than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes
to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live! (He sobs.)
Later, in the bedroom.
Oh, who am I kidding? I am slow.
Oh, Homie, if you feel bad about yourself, there's always things you can
do to feel better.
Take another bath in malt liquor?
There's that. Or you could take an Adult Education Course!
Oh. And how is 'education' supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to
That's because you were drunk!
Homer turns up at the Adult Education Annex. A sign reads: &We take
the 'dolt' out of a-dolt education&. Homer walks past several classrooms.
The first class is &How To Turn A Man Into Putty In Your Hands&, taught
by Patty & Selma.
One way to drive your man wild is to wear tight, revealing clothes.
Selma walks out from behind a screen, wearing a tight dress.
At this point I'd like to remind you there are no refunds.
In the next room, Moe is teaching a class called &Funk Dancing For
Self Defense&.
All right, here's the four-one-one, folks. Say some gangster is dissing
your fly-girl. You just give him one of these.
He plays some funk music and dances. Suddenly, he pulls out a shotgun
and shoots into the air.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh!
Homer walks on.
Next, Lenny is teaching &How To Chew Tobacco&. He spits some tobacco
into the spittoon.
See, that 'ping' sound means the spit was on target. Now you try.
The class try, but don't have much luck. Abe Simpson's teeth fall
ABE SIMPSON
Gettin' better.
Wait a minute, even Lenny is teaching a class. Look at the way they admire
and adore him. That's it! If he can teach a class, HE can teach a class!
I mean I can teach a class!
Homer is being interviewed by the manager.
What is your area of expertise?
Well, I can tell the difference between butter and 'I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter'.
No you can't, Mr. Simpson, no-one can!
Oh, I failed again! Everybody can teach a class but me! I'm an idiot!
What am I going to tell my wife and kids?
Oh, you're married?
(suggestively) That depends. Is there another way to get this job?
No, Mr. Simpson, what I mean is we may have a job for you after all. We
need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage.
I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging,
and noise... uh, of a family of love. Tra-la-la-la!
At the Simpsons' home. Homer enters the kitchen.
Look everyone! Now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the
other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Ah, incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets.
He holds up a tweed blazer, with two patches cut from it.
I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will you be lecturing from
a standardized text, or using the more socratic method of interactive
class participation?
(pause) Yes Lisa, Daddy's a teacher.
Homer is driving to his class. He stops outside Ned Flanders' house,
gets out the car and rings his bell. Flanders answers the door.
Well, Homer, what a pleasant--
Can't talk now, I've got a class to teach!
But you rang my--
Homer drive off. His next stop is at the Krusty Burger Drive-Thru.
Can I take your order?
Nothing for me today, I've got a class to teach!
He drives off.
Sir, it's a felony to tease the order box.
Homer drives across an intersection which is on a red light.
It's all right, I'm a teacher!
MISS HOOVER
(also waiting) I didn't know we could do that.
She drives across.
Homer begins his class by writing his name on the blackboard. He makes
a terrible screeching noise. His class is attended by several Springfield
residents, including Moe, Principal Skinner, Otto, Lenny, Carl, Apu, Mrs.
Krebappel, Lionel Hutz, Groundskeeper Willy Waylon Smithers and Sideshow
All right, the first thing they told me to do is make sure everyone here
is in the right class.
Someone spits tobacco at him.
Ew! Down the hall, room twelve.
A voice mumbles &Thank you&, and spits more tobacco at him.
Ew! Okay, let's get started. Uh... Um... Um... Um...
A woman whispers something to Carl.
No talking! (he coughs) Um... Um... Oh! Um... Um...
Skinner raises his hand.
Um, how about if we tell you our problems with relationships?
Yeah... yeah! That'll eat up some time. How about you... (scans the
room) Otto?
Well, my standards are just too high, y'know? I feel like nobody's good
enough for me.
A flea drops off his head.
Wow, you think you've got them all, but you forget about the eggs.
LIONEL HUTZ
My problem is I'm a real user of women. I move in right away, and stay
until the money's gone.
MRS. KREBAPPEL
I'm a smart woman, but I make bad choices.
Lionel Hutz whispers to her, and she giggles.
MRS. KREBAPPEL
Okay, here's a set of house keys and my ATM card.
Um, I was married once, but I just didn't know how to keep it together.
The scene dissolves into Smithers' black-and-white recollection. Smithers
uses a crutch to walk, and pours himself a brandy. A woman is on his bed.
Come on, Waylon, make love to me the way you used to.
It's that horrible Mr. Burns, isn't it?
(shouting) You leave Mr. Burns out of this!!
He smashes the bottles on the cabinet with his crutch. Mr. Burns calls
from outside the room.
Smithers rushes out of the room. A half-naked Burns is at the bottom
of the stairs.
Smithers!!
The scene dissolves back to the classroom. Homer is eating an orange.
Mr. Simpson, are you listening? Simpson!
Huh? Oh yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
Oh, you were not! You were just eating a damn orange!
Yes, to the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange. But to the eye that has
brains, I'm making a point about marriage. For you see, marriage is a
lot like an orange. First, you have the skin. Then the sweet, sweet innards.
Homer devours the orange.
I don't understand.
If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating
Cut to another classroom. Hans Moleman is the teacher.
HANS MOLEMAN
The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
ABE SIMPSON
Just eat the damn oranges!
Back in Homer's class, the students get up and start to leave.
This is terrible.
Let's get out of here.
A terrible excuse for education.
Oh, I told Marge this wouldn't work the other night in bed.
So something wasn't working in bed, huh? Heh heh heh.
No, that's not what I meant. Marge and I always talk things over in bed.
Like the other night, we were having a fight about money.
Ooh, a fight!
Trouble in paradise, heh, heh, heh.
The class return to their places.
I was telling Marge that we could save some money if she only died her
hair once a month.
MRS. KREBAPPEL
Marge dies her hair?
Oh yeah, she's been as gray as a mule since she was seventeen.
SIDESHOW MEL
Ooh, tell us more. Tell us about it.
Later that night.
I went on for hours, and they were hanging on my every word. I really
think I was born to teach.
The shot pans out, and we see that Homer is at the Krusty Burger Drive-Thru
again. Several police cars arrive. Chief Wiggum points a megaphone at
Homer, as if it were a gun.
All right, Simpson, you were warned about teasing the box!
He drives off.
Wait! I need closure on that anecdote!
Marge is at the Kwik-E-Mart the next day. She reaches the checkout.
Oh, Mrs. Simpson, it may interest you to know that we are having a sale
on blue dye number fifty two. It is your hair color, I believe.
Whatever do you mean, I don't dye my hair.
No, you got it wrong 'pu, she's blue fifty six.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Marge leaves the store. Mrs. Krebappel calls after her.
MRS. KREBAPPEL
We just love you're husband's class!
(from the car) That's nice!
Back at home.
Homer, I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Marge, I didn't tell 'em personal stuff.
Today at the Kwik-E-Mart, everybody knew I dye my hair.
Oh. You mean about you. Well, maybe I said some things, some personal
things. But you should have seen them, Marge, they really wanted to hear
what I had to say.
Mmm, I'm happy about that. But I think you can still be a good teacher
and not invade our privacy.
Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every
day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out
of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth?
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach
over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's
face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!!!
Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again!!
(sheepishly) Yes ma'am.
Homer is teaching his class again.
What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as 'the
process of removing weeds from one's garden'.
The class groan.
Tell us more about you and Marge!
This is a place of learning, not a place of... hearing about things.
The class get up to leave.
I guess he's run out of stories.
What a rip-off.
I can't believe I paid ten thousand dollars for this course! What the
heck was that lab fee for?
No wait! Uh, wait, yes! I do have a story about two other young married's.
The class sit back down.
Now the wife of this couple has an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It
seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
MRS. KREBAPPEL
We need names!
Well, let's just call them... uh, 'Mr. X' and 'Mrs. Y'. So anyway, Mr.
X would say, &Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't
Homer J. Simpson!&
The class gasp.
At home, the next evening. The family are in the kitchen.
Oh, Homer, don't you have to get to class?
Not tonight, Marge. Tonight, we can eat a nice leisurely dinner at home.
Well, that will be lovel-- Aah!
She walks into the dining room, and sees Homer's class standing around
the table.
What the darn?
Marge, you'll never guess what! My whole class is here! They're going
to observe the human peepshow that is our lives.
The whole family sits down to eat.
SIDESHOW MEL
(to another classmate) Apparently that disturbing odor was the
So, little Lisa, apple of my eye, how were things down at the old school
I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.
The class scribble on their notepads.
(to Bart) And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any June bugs
Well, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it
down the sewer.
Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.
What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double-dared us!
Why you little...!
He reaches across the table and strangles Bart. The class continue
to make notes.
I'm out of here!
He he he. Well, now that the little ones have toddled off to bed--
I want this to end now!
Hey Homer, why don't you just nibble her elbow? That always melts her
butter, right? Heh, heh, heh.
(gasp) All right! Okay! Everybody out!
Ooh, she's gotta have it!
Out! Get out, get out, get out out out out!!
She shoos them outside.
All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should
read pages seven through eighteen in Lisa's diary.
(to Homer) You too!
But I'm not in the cla--
Marge pushes him to the ground and slams the door.
Is any of this going to be in the test, because I wasn't paying attention.
Homer is outside on the lawn.
Come on, Marge, let me in! There's crickets out here!
Marge opens the door.
Okay, Marge, things were said, mistakes were made. Let's end this madness
and get on with our lives.
He tries to walk back in the house, but Marge blacks him off.
You just don't get it, do ya Homer? You told personal things about our
lives, even after you promised you wouldn't. I can't trust you any more.
But I've learned my lesson. It'll never happen again.
Ned Flanders open his bedroom window next door.
Hey Homer, what's the big brew-a-ha-ha?
Aw, Marge is throwing me out for blabbing about her elbow thing.
Marge slams the door in his face.
Honey, the door blew shut! (pause) Oh, fine. If that's what you
want, you've got it. This scene is gettin' old, man. I'm hittin' the road!
Maybe I'll drop you a line someday from wherever I end up in this crazy
old world.
Homer ends up in the tree house. He looks down into the kitchen.
Kids, your father and I are going through a really tough time right now,
and I don't know what's going to happen. But just remember that both your
Mom and your Dad love you very, very much. (She walks off.)
Wow, I've never seen Mom so mad at Homer before.
I'll tell you a secret, Bart. Every time I'm worried about Mom and Dad,
I go to the attic and add to my ball of string.
Cut to the attic, where a huge ball of string crushes Snowball II.
Bart and Milhouse play outside.
Earthbase? This is commander Bart McCool. We are under attack by the Zornid
Brain Changers! Quickly, into the safety dome, Milbot!
Affirmative, humanoid.
The boys climb into the tree house, where they see Homer washing his
underpants.
BART & MILHOUSE
Don't mind me, boys, just scrubbing my undies.
Sorry, Bart. Your dad kind of blew the fantasy. I only like it when I'm
pretend-scared.
Keep up the roughhousing, son! Without a strong male presence in the house,
you could turn sissy overnight! (in a sissy voice) Oh, these stubborn
grass stains.
Homer sees Reverend Lovejoy coming to the Simpsons' home.
Oh, good. Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back! He has to push
the sanctity of marriage, or his God will punish him.
REV. LOVEJOY
(inside) Get a divorce.
MRS. LOVEJOY
But isn't that a sin?
REV. LOVEJOY
Marge, just about everything is a sin. (holding up a bible) You
ever sat down and read this thing?& Technically, we're not allowed
to go to the bathroom.
Later that night. Marge is in bed. She reaches across to where Homer
usually sleeps. We see that there is a huge dent in the bed. Up in the
tree house, Homer holds a picture frame.
Good night, Marge.
He turns around, revealing that the frame is empty.
Oh, why didn't I take a picture? I had ten years to take a picture!
Marge is driving into town the next day.
Funny the way everything reminds me of Homer.
She passes shops, named &Broken Home Chimney Repairs&, &Splitsville Ice
Cream Sundaes& and &Painful Memories Party Supplies&. She then hear's
Homer's voice in her head.
HOMER'S VOICE
I love you... Will you marry me, Marge?... You mean I'm going to be a
daddy?... I hope we'll always be together... together... together...
She sees Homer in the back seat, talking through a cardboard tube.
Marge skids the car, throwing him out onto the road.
Ow! Ooh! Ah! Ow!
Lisa visits Homer in the tree house.
Look Dad, I brought you some-- Aaah!
She sees that Homer is clipping a potted plant to look exactly like
Good news, Lisa! I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement
for her that's superior to her in almost every way!
Dad, that's just a plant.
Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her!
Homer pushes the plant towards Lisa, but knocks it out of the tree
house. It breaks on the ground.
Aah! Oh my god oh my god oh my god! (calmly) All right, let's get
our stories straight - she tripped, right?
Look, I brought you some nice pudding.
Ah, your flesh mother used to bring me pudding. Oh, I miss Marge. Lisa
you're smart, help me trick her into taking me back!
Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people
come together and stay together - there's something they give each other
that nobody else can give them. If you wanna get Mom back, you'll just
have to remember what you give her that no one else can.
I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me.
Okay... thirty.
Good luck, Dad.
She leaves the tree house.
All right,, brain, it's all up to you. If you don't think of what it is,
we'll lose Marge forever.
HOMER'S BRAIN
Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the
pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding.
Okay. But then we gotta get to work.
Moe arrives at the Simpsons' home.
Oh, hi, Marge. I heard you and Homer broke up so I'm declaring my intentions
to move in on his territory. Here, I uh, brung you some posies.
Oh, my! I'm very flattered, but I'm not really interested.
Jeez, I come here, get dressed up all nice-like, put my heart on the line
and I make a fool of myself. Oh, boy. Aw, I'm gonna start bawling here.
Why don't you come inside for a drink of water?
Moe sits on the couch.
Clean house, no silver fish. Coulda been very happy here.
Homer enters the living room.
Moe! What are you doing here?
I, um, well, I... I never touched her, Homer. Homer, I swear I never touched
Here's your water, Moe.
I didn't ask her for no water! She's lying Homer, she's lying. She told
me you were dead. That's the only reason I-- I didn't do nothin'!!
(He runs out of the room, and dives out of a window.) Aah!
Homer, what happened to you?
Marge, I finally figured out what I can give you that no one else can
- a bouquet of po -- (sees Moe's bouquet) oh! I give up. I don't
deserve to live with you.
He walks out of the room, but his rags get caught on the coffee table.
Oh... my tattered rags are caught on your coffee table.
Here, let me help you.
She frees Homer. As he leaves, he has a sudden brainwave.
Wait a minute. Wait, that's it! I know now what I can offer you that no
one else can - complete and utter dependence!!
Homer, that's not a good thing.
Are you kidding? It's a wondrous, marvelous thing. Marge, I need you more
than anyone else on this entire planet could possibly ever need you! I
need you to take care of me, to put up with me, and most of all I need
you to love me, 'cause I love you.
But how do I know I can trust you?
Marge, look at me! We've been separated for a day, and I'm as dirty as
a Frenchman. In another few hours I'll be dead! I can't afford to lose
your trust again.
Marge looks into Homer's eyes, then smiles and hugs him.
I must admit, you certainly do make a gal feel needed.
Wait till my class hears about this! Kidding!
Later that day.
Ah! Oh, it's great to be indoors with my family.
I'm really glad you're back, Dad, I knew you could do it. (quietly)
Now don't screw it up.
(showing him a piece of paper) Look Dad, I missed you so much I
couldn't concentrate in school and I got an F.
Hey, this is dated two weeks ago!
Sorry. Here's a fresh one.
(suggestively) And I have a special present for you, but I'll give
it to you later tonight.
Special present? I don't want to wait! I want it now, I want the children
to see-- oh! Oh, right, later, he he.
Moe appears at the kitchen window.
So, Marge, are you really happy, really?
He runs off. Fade to credits.